So ladies and gentlemen, please raise a glass to the happy couple!” “I read somewhere the perfect best man speech should last as long as it takes for the Groom to make love. When I asked the Groom his plans for after the wedding he said he was going to Bangor for a fortnight.” “I do hope that the couple enjoy their honeymoon in Wales.
“It’s time for me to do this speech I hurriedly scribbled down about an hour ago!” Well, I’m very sorry but I can’t sing and I won’t lie.” “As part of my research, I discovered that according to tradition I am supposed to sing the Groom’s praises and tell you all about his many good points. So thanks for listening everyone, that’s all from me!” Photo: Shutterstock “For the speech today, the Bride and Groom have asked that I don’t talk about the Groom’s mishaps, mistakes, embarrassing moments or ex-girlfriends. After all the time I’ve been friends with, he has at long last admitted that I am the best man.” “You’ve got no idea how much I’ve been looking forward to today. “I didn’t really want to do this, but I thought it might be the only chance I’ll get to have a meal and some drinks paid for by the Groom.” You’re expected to be there, but if you say too much, people start freaking out.” “A best man is similar to a dead body at a funeral. Let’s hope I haven’t eaten someone else’s meal by mistake – but more likely, he was saving himself the cost of a stamp.” “ asked me to be his best man a year ago – although I never actually received a formal invitation to the wedding. You leave here today having gained a lovely dress and a wonderful bouquet of flowers.” And the Bride as well, how lucky you are as well. You will leave here today with a wife who is warm, loving and caring. “I do have to say to the Groom though, just how lucky you are. “I’m here to give a speech about the Groom – but what can I say about him that hasn’t already been a topic on the Jeremy Kyle show?” “Just some last messages here to read out: one from the Groom’s football team to – ‘apologies we couldn’t all be here today, good luck with, we found him to be useless in most positions, but wishing you all the best for tonight.” (Photo: Shutterstock)
And if anyone texts you any good jokes, send them my way.” If you have a mobile phone – leave it switched on, entertain yourselves. “Loyal, caring, sincere, honest, and a great man. I’m thrilled! I’ll finally be able to talk to women without him cramping my style.” “I’ve been asked by many how I’m going to cope with my best friend being married and spending all of his time loved up at home. Thank God he married her before she found one.” “All those among you who know the Bride will know that she is a wonderful and caring person. “I’ve been instructed to keep this speech smut-free, so if I come across any innuendo as I’m reading through, I’ll whip it out immediately.” “If there’s anyone here this afternoon who’s feeling nervous, apprehensive and queasy at the thought of what lies ahead, it’s probably because you’ve just married. But then I remembered that I was supposed to be writing a speech.” (Photo: Shutterstock) After a couple of hours I’d found some really, really good stuff. “I didn’t really know where to start so I thought I’d trawl the internet. I only found out today that a toastmaster isn’t actually a kitchen appliance.” I’ve been asked to give him the drinks bill.” “We’ve now reached the point in the proceedings when we all get to see the Groom shift uncomfortably in his seat and grip the tablecloth in nervous anticipation. “To start this speech, I Googled ‘the perfect best man speech’, but you had to pay to read the examples and I didn’t think it was worth it, so I’m just going to wing it.”
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